It was November last year, and my
amazing husband and I had gone to New York to run some errands and pick
up a few things. We also decided to stop by the Nigerian Consulate,
since we would be in New York anyway. While there, we were acquainted
with an older woman, who needed some directions to the closest train
station; we gladly obliged. While striking up some light conversation on
our way, she made a statement that has stuck with me all these months
later.
This older Nigerian woman
asked my husband if he needed help carrying the bags he had in his
hands. Of course, he politely declined her help. Then, she turned to me
and said, “You know, if it were you carrying those bags, I wouldn’t have
asked to help you.” Somewhat puzzled by her assertion, I waited for her
to explain and she did – stating, “You know men are so helpless.” I was
stunned and completely taken aback by her statement, but did my very
best to act like nothing had happened. However, I have since continued
to turn that statement over in my mind and dissect it.
I
have thought about that woman and wondered about her children: “Does
she have male and female children? Was she one of those women who
treated her sons differently from her daughters – treating them like
kings and having their sisters wait on their every whim: like clean up
their rooms, while they sat back and watched TV? Did she give them
special favours that she did not bestow on her female children? What
were the differences between what she expected of her sons and what she
expected of her daughters – in the household and in life?” Then, I had
the most depressing thought of all: “Isn’t it possible that most of this
woman’s contemporaries think the same way, too? If so, aren’t we
somehow doomed as a society?” The questions have kept coming in mind,
and I continue to mull them over. I wonder if I’ll ever stop!
The
issue is that I, for one, consider her statement so ironic, yet so sad;
because it offers up an explanation of sorts for the trends we have in
our society as Nigerians. Isn’t it sad that our men are groomed from an
early age to learn that they are leaders of their households and
workplaces, yet are given free passes to be “helpless”? It is little
wonder, then, that so many Nigerian men blame everything besides
themselves for their infidelities – because they have been taught that
they are “helpless” and cannot control their impulses.
Even
worse, too many of these men become perpetuators of rape, because they
have never been properly acquainted with the word, “No”. I have heard
too many Nigerian women assert that cheating is just “something men do”
and so, have no expectations of fidelity in their relationships. No
wonder the abomination that is domestic violence remains endemic and so
widespread because so many of these men have not been raised to believe
that they can and should change the way they deal with anger, because
they’ve been taught all their lives that they are “helpless” to control
their anger, emotions and actions.
We
definitely need a revolution of sorts. Not necessarily the kind that
requires riots and marching in the streets, but in that place that
counts the very most and is at the bedrock of every society – right
there in our families.
What are your
thoughts on this woman’s statement about the “helplessness” of men? How
can we show the men in our societies, who have been raised with this
mindset, that the value of a true leader is in the way he shows his love
and tenderness, in his ability to serve, and his strength of discipline
and control of his impulses?
